Stupid Squirrel!

While this story is a few weeks old now, I have been encouraged to put it in writing for posterity.  The story begins Thursday, September 1st, 9 days before our wedding.  I drove to our townhouse from work to hang out with Am for the evening.  When I arrived, Am was sitting on the couch chilling out.  We talked about our days and then she nonchalantly mentioned that we had "a critter" in the house.  The "critter" had chowed down on half a banana in the kitchen and she could hear it running around in the air ducts.  Am was pretty sure it was a squirrel.  In my infinite knowledge of such things, I assured her that it was just a big mouse and surely could not possibly be a squirrel.

So I set out for the kitchen where the noises were coming from and could hear the critter hanging out behind the washer and dryer.  Our townhouse has a stackable washer/dryer in a small closet beside the entrance to the kitchen.  It just barely fits so the only way the "critter" could get out was to come up over the top of the dryer which sits about 6 feet off the ground.  I watched as two hands grabbed hold of the top of the dryer and a little head poked up over the back to see what the noise was (no joke).  Sure enough, the eyes that locked onto mine were those of a squirrel!  We stared at each other for a few seconds and he disappeared down the back.  I grabbed a box and decided to speak in a friendly voice to try to persuade him that inside that box was the place to be.  He didn't buy it.

Finally he poked his head up again and walked out onto the top of the dryer.  I held the box up but he was having none of it.  With no notice, he did a kamikaze dive off the top of the dryer just barely missing my head!  He hit the sink with one foot landing in a water-filled mug, ran up the back side of the sink, across the counter, and went sliding across the hardwood floors of the dining room.  Am had opened the front door so the two of us took off after him, yelling and screaming, and then shouting in victory as we chased the squirrel (which was still kind of cute to us at this stage) out of the house.  We went in search of the squirrel's entry point and found a nice hole in the screen of the living room window.  The power had been out from the hurricane so we had left the window open to let in some air.  Ah well, we shut the window.  Lesson learned.

The next morning I heard from Am that she had had a visitor that night.  What?  Yep, another squirrel was frolicking through the house while Am attempted to sleep.  Am barricaded the bedroom door and did her best to ignore the sounds.  When she woke, she found the little punk and chased him out the front door.  Figuring the squirrel was a stowaway, she searched the house and was satisfied that they were truly gone.  So off to work she went.

When Am returned from work, she walked upstairs to her bedroom and, sure enough, she saw a squirrel tail sticking out from beneath the venetian blinds.  At this point, she is getting pretty frustrated.  The squirrel bolts underneath the bed.  With a little effort (and a little yelling) Am chased the squirrel out from under the bed, down the stairs and out the front door once again.  At this point we are pretty sure that we are no longer dealing with squirrels that came through the living room window.  There was no way they could have stowed away silently that long.  This was a single squirrel who had found a secret entry point.  So where is this super secret entry point?  And how is Am supposed to sleep knowing there may be squirrels running around the house? 

Am and I spent Friday evening at my place (this was our big move weekend) so we had a little bit of a squirrel break.  I sent her home with instructions to call me if there was any sign of the squirrel.  When Am arrived home, there was no evidence the squirrel had returned so she attempted to sleep.  But, of course, every little sound in the house makes your imagination go wild.  Luckily she did get some sleep and woke up to find no sign of the squirrel.  The crisis finally seemed to reach its conclusion.

Am and I went to visit dad during the next morning and then were planning on making dump trips in the afternoon.  Before swinging by my place to load up for the first dump trip, we decided to swing by Am's to make sure the squirrel had not returned.  When we pulled into the parking place, this is what our eyes were drawn to:

Before we can even get out of the car, we saw one of the community maintenance trucks pulling in a few spots down from us.  The maintenance dude gets out and walks right up to me.  He says, "I can see by the look on your wife's face that you live in that townhouse.  Don't worry, I am going to install a new blind for you right now."  Come to find out, our neighbor had heard Mr. Squirrel running around and thought it was somewhere in her apartment so she called maintenance.  Maintenance showed up and searched her place, couldn't find the squirrel, and left.  A few minutes later the neighbor left her apartment and saw the squirrel sitting in our living room window!  So she called maintenance again.  When the guy showed up, the two of them stood outside cracking up as they watched the squirrel pulling the blinds up and down by the string trying to figure out how to get out (I would love to have seen this).

The maintenance guy then let himself into our apartment and chased the squirrel out the front door (let's face it, by this point the squirrel knew the way).  He left to go get the new blinds and was now back to install it for us.  While he walked back to his truck to get his supplies, we walked inside...and saw the stupid squirrel run up the stairs to our 2nd floor!!!  In the time that it took the maintenance guy to drive back to his shop to get the new blinds, the squirrel had gotten back into the house!  I went out and told the maintenance guy that he was back and he didn't believe me.  It really was pretty unbelieveble.

Finally convinced, the maintenance guy was back in his truck en route to the shop to pick up a squirrel trap.  Meanwhile, Am and I did a quick inspection, our hatred for the squirrel growing with every step.  There was squirrel poop and pee everywhere!  He pooped on 6 of the 8 dining room chairs, all over the kitchen counter, on the couch and loveseat (with a nice pee spot on the couch), up the stairs and in the bedrooms, and down the stairs into the recreation room.  Squirrel poop on all three levels.  Unbelievable.  At this point our well of mercy was completely dry and we decided this squirrel needed to die.

The maintenance guy arrived but clearly had no clue what to do.  We shut the front door so he couldn't get out and started our hunt.  The maintenance guy found him upstairs and chased him down to the living room.  I tore the flaps off a Bed, Bath, & Beyond box and started chasing the squirrel trying to trap him under the box.  The maintenance guy chased him with the trap that had an opening about 6 inches high and 6 inches wide somehow thinking he could scoop him up into the trap and Am started chasing him with the broom.  Classic.  The only one of us with any hope of helping the situation was Am who was trying to hit the squirrel hard enough to knock him unconscious...or better yet, kill him.  Unfortunately, none of us were having any luck.  The squirrel kept running up the loveseat and diving into the window in hopes of finding his freedom.  But with the window closed, he simply crashed to the floor each time, collected his wits, and then tried again.  We eventually gave up and let him out the front door again.

The maintenance dude had a few things he "wanted to try" in hopes of catching the squirrel during a subsequent visit.  I pulled him aside and the conversation went something like this.

Me:  Sir, do you see that pretty lady over there (the one with the murderous look in her eyes)?

Dude:  Yes sir.

Me:  I am marrying that pretty lady exactly one week from today.  Do you know how bad my wedding is going be if she isn't able to sleep for the next week because we have squirrels running around the house at night?

Dude:  I understand.

Me:  Then what can you do to help me?

Dude:  Well, my supervisor...

This went on for a while.  I was sick of hearing about the supervisor who this guy was clearly terrified of.

Me:  I think we need to go have a chat with this supervisor.  Where is he right now?

Dude:  Well...um...I guess I can try to give him a call.

Next thing we knew, the supervisor was on his way over.  Fortunately this guy was a lot more competent and knew what to do.  We had figured out that he had to be coming in through the laundry room because Am had purposely closed the door and we had found it open when we came in.  Plus he always seemed to show up first in the kitchen.  So we placed the trap on top of the dryer and started barricading the door so there was no way the squirrel could make it into the rest of the house.  The supervisor was going to have a carpenter come and climb up on the roof to identify and close whatever passage the squirrel was using.

Somewhat satisfied, we sent the maintenance guys on their way.  The squirrel was either very traumatized by the beating he took from Am or was perplexed by the door that wouldn't budge, but we didn't hear from him the whole rest of Saturday.

Sunday morning rolled around which was moving day for my mom.  We got everything over to her new place and decided to make a stop by our townhouse before heading back to make another dump run for my mom.  We were happy to find the squirrel had not made his way into the house, however, he had clearly made a very strong attempt:

He was trying to chew his way through the door!  This is one persistent squirrel!  We had reached the end of our rope.  We headed for the community office.  We must have had a pretty crazy look in our eyes because the lady in the office quickly went to get the maintenance supervisor.  We explained that we were about to take matters into our hands which meant either Am using her little pistol to end the squirrel's life or me buying some plywood and pounding nails all over their townhouse.  The supervisor was quickly en route to our place.  We arrived ahead of him and to our utter delight, this is what we found:

I am ashamed to say that I could not help myself.  This squirrel had pooped and peed all over our new furniture and had caused my future bride to lose much needed sleep.  I found myself taunting him which he didn't like one bit.  He lunged at the side of the cage trying to get at me (he had been trying to get out the door but now was coming directly at me).  He was one crazy squirrel.  The supervisor took the cage out the door, the squirrel leaving one final stream of pee all over the floor as he went.  We were given a solemn promise that the squirrel was to receive "a special meal" that would permenantly rehabilitate him.  Am really wanted to do the deed herself.  I definitely saw a whole new side of Am during the Squirrel Crisis.

So how has this event changed us?  Well, we leave the living room window closed now and no longer leave bananas on the kitchen counter.  Squirrels are no longer "squirrels" but "stupid squirrels".  And when we drive down the road now and we see a squirrel, we do still swerve, but now we swerve toward the squirrel instead of away from him.  Stupid squirrel.